Monday, February 2, 2009

I Am Growing Accustomed to Your Fame

Last fall, reruns of “Boston Legal” (a remarkable show that I had the honor to appear on for a while) started popping up on cable. As you might expect, this generated a rash of autograph requests. I’m always happy to comply with these and am very flattered that anyone would be interested enough to ask. When the show went into international syndication in December, responding to autograph requests suddenly became a much more expensive and time consuming proposition since each "photomailer" now required extra postage and a fully executed customs form. Then I started getting autograph requests from people who I suspected had never seen an episode of “Boston Legal” in their lives. Soon it became clear that my name had wound up on some kind of "list" as a small landslide of requests from amateur autograph collectors began arriving from around the globe.

Since Jan 1st, I’ve received 143 such requests. I thought I’d share a few excerpts from some of the more interesting ones.

“My Dear Sir,

With due respect and humble submission, I beg to draw your kind attention that this is one of my countless attempts to reach you, and needless to say once again that I am an ardent admirer of yours. In fact, I am growing accustomed to your fame.

But now, it seems to me that you have decided, not to reply my letters of deep admiration. Please tell me ,is it good to break the heart, you are ruling? It’s a pity! it's a pity! that I am still writing to you. In fact, you are my source of inspiration. That is why, I use to write to time and again despite your apathy towards me. Upon my words, you are absolutely unique and beyond compare. And you are my ideal of a perfect personality.

Therefore, I’ll be grateful to you, if you please take the trouble of sending me your much awaited and cherished autographed photograph, for memento. Because when I'll grow too old to dream, I’ll have this memento of yours ,to remember.”


Note: This guy has never written to me before. I checked. The next day I got this oddly similar letter from someone else.

“Respected Sir, As usual, I have started writing to you, once again. And also, as it is said in our traditions that, “If the door is not opened, then knock the door again.......but do not break the door!" So, I am still knocking your door. Your excellence has already made me your admirer. Words are not enough for your talent. I wish I were like you. There is no one who can take your place. So, I’ll consider myself very fortunate, if I can have your signed photo, for my album. Your worthless admirer, is requesting once again.”

Note: I’ve never heard from this person before either. However, I’ll probably reply simply because his return address (in Calcutta) included the phrase “Near Tank # 12.” In my opinion, anyone who lives near a “tank” (of any kind) deserves all the cheering up they can get. Some of these requests have come from a little closer to home. Like this one from Western New York:

“I am setting up a game room / Bar in my basement and would love if you could send me a personalized photo that i could hang on the wall. It would fit in perfect with the theme of the basement”

“Dear Mr David Dean Bottrell,
I am one of your great and constant foreign admirer. Could you please send me a dedicated picture? You are world famous actor and screenwriter. I enjoy all what you do.”

“DEAR SIR I LOST EVERYTHING I OWN. WOULD PLEASE SEND ME & MY NEW STEP SON AUTOGRAPH PHOTOS.”

“Please send me your two original signed photo. I will hang it on my wall with also received autographed photos like Bill Gates, HE Pop Benedict XVI and George Bush.”

Every once in a while, I get a letter that makes my day. Danny (not his real name) sent me a letter which although quite long, was filled with lots of fun details and helpful product suggestions. What follows is only a brief excerpt.

My name is Danny Yates. I"m 35 years old, & I"m typing this letter to tell you that you're a sweet & handsome Actor. You know David, I really, really like all of your Movies, & T.V's a lot too, wow David, I"m really tickled of you David. You know what David Dean Bottrell, I think you're such a sweet & handsome doll, because you have a sweet & handsome voice, sweet & handsome smile, & David, you also have a nice, sweet & precious heart of gold too.

David, did you know that I"m an athlete with Special Olympics? Well David, if you don"t believe me, well, let me tell you this, I always congradgulate the other teams, even though if I don't either get a gold medal, or a first place, & that's why I do something which is called “Sportsmanship", & that's why I"ve been participating in Special Olympics for 23 years, & that's why I"m collecting all of my awards in my boxes too. & David, also get this, I got the 1998 "Most Inspirational Award", 1999 "Kathy Fies Scholarship Award", & the 2008 "Sportsmanship Of The Year Award", too. so David, aren't you very proud of me? Well David, I"m really proud of it, & David, I also deserve this too.

David, also, if you send me your Autograph Picture, can you make sure, & can you write it very clear, so I can see your Autograph Writing Signature, & lastly, can you write either "To Danny", "Danny", or even "Dear Danny"? If you can, I really appreciate you did. David, I would like to dedicate this Special Olympics Athlete"s Oath to you, & David, here I go, it tells me to "Let Me Win, But If I Cannot Win, Let Me Be Brave In The Attempt", too. isn"t that something or what?

Well David Dean Bottrell, I have to go now, but David Dean Bottrell, I just really, really wanted to say "Thank You for your sweet time, & also, also for your patience".

This guy’s getting a picture for sure. Whatever we are doing this week, let’s all (like Danny) be brave in the attempt. See you next time, Hollywood.

Copyright 2008 Quitcher-Bitchyn Entertainment, Inc.
www.daviddeanbottrell.com

David Dean Bottrell is an actor (“Boston Legal”) and screenwriter (“Kingdom Come”) who writes a weekly blog about being strangely middle-class in Hollywood at
www.partsandlabor.tv

5 comments:

Dana said...

While I will chime in that you are indeed a 'Respected Sir', put the brakes on sending your signature to anyone who sounds like those first two examples. I'm sure your Nigerian Spam Scam'o'meter was clanging as loud as mine. Next, they'll be putting your autograph on a 'US$52MILLION DOLLARS' check.

Ha - your columns are tremendous fun!

Anonymous said...

Yes Dana, I think I am familiar with those gentlemen...They've offered that US$52MILLION DOLLARS to me on several occasions , LOL.

David , yet again a wonderful and delightful entry. You never disappoint me.

Anonymous said...

Just living in Calcutta seems awful enough. Living "near tank 12" brings visions to my eyes that I cannot bear. If anyone can bring light to such a place - you can.
Right now, I am going to begin limbering up my laughing face for tomorrow's installment.

Thankless but Thankful in Austin

Anonymous said...

Make that "Tankless but Thankful in Austin."

Know any good proofreaders?

Saintactors said...

this made my day!